When I change direction or focus I like to start new… new blog in this case =)
Only 163 days to go… great scott! Long post ahead =)
I have not given up on this project or blog. I have however, been lost in a state of depression, confusion and the questioning of life, purpose and passsion. First, the boyfriend and I are still together. He came back with some great things to say and we are working hard at getting on track because we love eachother and are determined to make things work =)
Next… I have been reading Happy for no Reason by Marci Shimoff. It’s fabulous and I highly recommend it. It’s full of great stories, advice, guidance and exercises to begin practicing happiness. To be honest, about half way through it I was very annoyed with it. I was tired of reading about happy people and “ah hah!” moments when I wanted my own! Selfish, I know. Then I got to the chapter on Passions and Purpose. I started to think about what I’m passionate about… but couldn’t figure it out. Yes, I’m passionate about my business… but not necessarily design anymore. I thought back to when I was… in college and my first job, where out of the box creativity was expected and encouraged… back in high school when I could just create all day without thought or limitation. So I checked out The Passion Test Online, one of the recommended tools in the book. You can get a “free” 30 day trial by donating $2 to some charity… so what the heck, I tried it.
It was pretty time intensive for my attention span, but it was great. I put in about 12 things I’m passionate about… what would exist in my life to make it ideal basically… played some games that rated my passions and felt happy with what I saw. My top passion was:
When my life is ideal, I am creating businesses, art, websites and books that touch and teach people.
I then listed out the things that would exist, or “markers” for how I’d know when I was at that ideal place. I listed out all the projects and business and things I’d be doing… and I felt so much joy and inspiration! It was great! My second passion was art and creativity… creating is huge for me.
But then I went on this whole “what is the purpose” search… feeling like I should be doing things of greater value and helping in more Mother Theresa ways and such. I got lost in that for awhile. I then read the chapter about “connecting to the spirit” or universe… higher power. Seeking guidance there and listening to your inner voice. So I meditated a couple days. On the second day I was asking what I was supposed to do. I know I am supposed to do more, I know I have my brain and my talents for a reason… so what is it!? Oprah kept flashing in my head… and before you start thinking anything crazy, I had read a brief blurb on her a few days prior… so it wasn’t like totally random, but sort of =) So I read up on Oprah and her history, her career and what she does with her billions. It made me think that maybe I am on the right track, maybe I am going to do something bigger than myself by pursuing these things that excite me and that I am excellent at… growing business and other things that will touch and teach people. Using my skills for good…
So that’s sort of the mess of thoughts I’ve been in. But I’m feeling happier with this sense of being on track.
Short weight loss updates:
>> Been eating clean for a month!
>> No sugar for a month! (I discovered rice “ice cream” yum!)
>> No new weight changes, but still down and fit into smaller pants!
I think that knowing what you want is the first step and refusing to settle is what guarantees it.
The boyfriend and I sort of split up on Saturday night. After a bad day which involved me being unable to attend a beach party with him because of our issues, I told him that I just can’t do this anymore. He left and spent the night at a friends. Yesterday morning I was a mess of emotions. Certain I’d made the right decision, sad, missing him… reminded why I couldn’t do it, positive it could be fixed, angry, etc. All across the board. I went for a drive.
While I was driving he called me and I went over to have a chat. During this conversation we talked through some really good things, and then he went and said something that again reminded me why I couldn’t be with him, but also made me realize it’s not just that we’re on different pages, we’re in totally different books.
This was an eye opening moment for me and I continued to process everything out loud. Basically, I deserve so much better. Why did I ever let what he thought of me, how he acted, things he’d done affect me so much? Why did I try so hard to get him to treat me right and love me the way I needed? The way he makes me feel due to a selfish nature and ADD makes him unworthy of a life with me and unless he’s wanting and willing to work harder, it’s not going to work. At the end of the conversation I told him he needs to really think hard about what exactly he wants in a relationship, life and also needs to figure out who he is. He is taking “a day or two” to think things over at his friend’s.
Meantime, I have made up my mind. There is only one option and one solution for us to work on this relationship. I know what I want, and the vibe he gives me for what he wants means this relationship is over. And I’m really okay with that. I plan to let him tell me what it is he decided while thinking and from there, let him know whether or not we will be continuing. This way he can’t latch on to what I want in order to keep me around… this is good for both of us.
I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want and deserve and that begins now. I love him, I truly do… we are so compatible and could really build an amazing life together, but I will not hesitate to have him pack his things if he decides on a solution or scenario that does not line up with what I want… and I really think that’s the way it’s going to go.
In lighter news, I have completed the two week challenge! I lost 5lbs and it’s mostly from eating clean because I really didn’t workout as hard as I’d planned. My tummy is much flatter and I feel loads better, minus this stress. I feel great and plan to continue eating as clean as possible as well as stepping up my cardio. I’m thinking the 20min Body for Life run every day that I lift so that I am certain I’m getting my cardio in. I need to take a photo!
I am 3/4 of the way through my two week challenge… eat clean, workout hard and kickstart my weightloss! Things have been great. The worst things I’ve eating in this time period have been sushi once, some Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereal (sugar in that) and I will have eaten out twice after tonight. The first time I ordered the blandest looking thing off the guiltless grill at Chili’s and only ate about 2/5 of it! Tonight I go out to Dave and Buster’s with my bestie and plan to do the same… there is no nutrition online, so order the healthiest looking thing and only eat about 1/3 or so =)
Boy do I feel a difference! The last time I stepped on the scale I was down 4lbs! That was Monday… I feel “depuffed” and lighter, my stomach is flatter and everything feels good on the inside! This is exactly what I was hoping for… total inspiration to keep it up for good! I got in about 5 of my 6 weight lifting sessions last week and probably only 4 days of cardio. This week I’ve got 3 in so far of both =) I will update after this weekend on this.
In other news, I’ve been reading Happy for no Reason by Marci Shimoff as part of my quest to become happier and healthier as well as more positive =) I want to be just like the “Happy 100″ she talks about in her book… 100 people that she found who were truly happy for no reason, who were inspiring, light, full of joy, etc. I’m loving this book and learning a lot. I am forcing myself to put it down now that I’m about a third through it and begin practicing some of the exercises. I will keep you posted on this as well!
I am going through the usual troubles with my relationship. It’s falling apart before my eyes, yet we are so close to the solution. He needs to take more personal space in order to be able to give me the love and attention I need and deserve… I fully support this, however lately I’ve been so neglected that I am upset by his time away.
Again, this all boils down to my main issue. Focusing on myself. I love the book, Why Men Love Bitches. Some of it is corny, dumb and not at all directed towards the type of woman/person I am, but the core of the book speaks to me. For example, one chapter begins with the subhead: Instead of asking him to focus on you, focus on yourself.
I know this… yet I do not do this.
Tonight I decided not to worry about him or the problem. What are my goals? Well, this week and next, a big goal is to eat clean and workout hard. I’ve been eating well, and yesterday lifted and ran. So today, I hit the gym alone. Pumped some iron and now I’m getting ready to take another run!
This focusing on myself business is really hard work… perhaps I’ll do a little more digging on the subject and see if I can’t find some better advice =)
My greatest struggle is learning to focus on myself… I repeatedly fall into this place of neediness and needing something I just can’t get from the boyfriend. Part of it is that we have issues with his focus and attention, but the other part is just me. I HAVE to focus on ME ME ME. First and foremost. I have to fill my life with things of my own, goals, dreams, etc. I can do this… I know I can. Which is why I’m here… blogging!
Creating my two life wheels has really helped me prioritize my focus and energy. Just today I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that I want and need to do. So I took a time out and wrote in my journal… a page into the rambling I stopped, listed out the top three areas and write three paragraphs, one on each, of what I can do. It was very helpful =)
So today I bring back… (buh buh ba BA):
The Weekly Goals!
Career: Finalize estimate/terms/time line guide, Process PDFs and complete one promo piece.
Physical: Stick to my week 1 of 2 crazy workout/diet schedule.
Creative: Pick a creative project I’ve wanted to do, and complete it.
Social: Three social dates this week.
Spiritual: Yoga, three times this week.
Emotional: Journal daily this week.
Relationship: Date night.
Financial: Open a savings account with remaining refund money.
Family: Call dad.
Misc: Finish two more collages (career and creative).
Honestly? I am starting a wee bit small… but with great focus on the top three areas. You’ll notice my Spiritual is a Physical related activity =) A bit about the top three… I am trying to get the processes, forms, etc completed for the business before sending out promo materials to potential clients. We need to be prepared and professional so I plan to complete a few of those things this coming week, along with a promo piece for lower level mailings.
Physical =) I’ve decided to challenge myself to a two weeks of extreme effort in this area. The plan is to eat absolutely clean for the next two weeks and to workout as hard as my body and mind will allow. Sort of a, “how much change can I produce in two weeks of excellent effort?” thing. Short enough that I know I can commit to it, but long enough to hopefully see some positive change that will encourage me to continue on a positive path. The goal is to be healthy and safe about this… if I’m tired I won’t be working out, duh =) But, I will be going hardcore, so I’m planning to lift three days in a row (different muscle groups each day). take a day off and lift another three days in a row. I should hopefully get 8 – 9 weight lifting sessions in. I will also be doing two-a-days! Weightlifting in the mornings and cardio at night. three run days for half-marathon training, cycling, kickboxing, tennis etc. The boyfriend is thinking of joining in as well and we’ll be taking some photos tomorrow! I will share mine here, before and after.
Creative… I haven’t been very creative as of late. But I have some things I want to do so I’m going to write those on little pieces of paper, ball them up and pick one!
Have a happy, healthy weekend!
Please share any ideas, tips and tricks… books, websites, blogs, etc that could help me learn to keep the focus on me and I will do the same!
I’ve completed the first collage of all that I want to achieve in the Physical area of my life. You’ll see abs and butts, tone women as well as sports, food, skin and hair! I’m pretty pleased with how it came out and will add other bits if I see a need. I’m thinking I’ll write out everything that I want and envision on the backs of each piece and then bind them all together creating a solid Goals Book!
So I’ve been sick pretty much all week… I am definitely feeling better today, though not 100% at all, but I am trying with all of my might to avoid going back to the Day Job. Compare that to my working hard on the business when I really should have been resting in bed and what do you have? Someone who should be building businesses, not pushing paperwork. I was floaty and fatigued along with a lot of other lovely, feverish symptoms… but I was plugging away on things for the business! I LOVE it. I love my business, I love working for myself, towards my own goals and dreams… I excel at it. So yes, if I can avoid another day of work at the Day Job I’ll do it so that I can pour more energy into my business. Even though that means I’ll be a little financially strained since I’m not salary and have no sick days =P
The problem that the Day Job poses is that it literally sucks the life out of me. I am drained, burnt out and depressed after 8 hours of sitting in a converted garage with no windows working towards someone elses goals and dreams. I listen to my boss talk about how she started her business because she needed freedom so that she could work from home and be with her kids… um, yeah… I kinda want that too, minus the kids part. The people I work with are fabulous, don’t get me wrong, but I am just not good at this employee thing.
Since today I am finally doing better upright, I plan to plow through a chunk of needs for the business, hopefully completing one of our planned promo pieces so that we can start looking for specific clients. The boyfriend may take a job doing “grunt work” that pays very well with benefits so that we can switch roles. This job would cover almost all of our bills… and seeing as how the business is my dream and I am super passionate about it with a clear vision, I will take over getting it going. I know I can bring him home quickly. I know I can do it… it is the one thing I truley believe myself right and capable of doing.
With Career being at the top of my focus and priorities list… I am able to somewhat justify this “avoiding” of the Day Job. I am the only one who can truly understand how painful it is to work for someone else… unless any of you are like me. Most people probably just want me to stop whining, or focus on the positive fact that I have a job. I am very grateful for this job because I need to pay my bills… but my mental health is at stake because working this job is so out of line with my values. I know I have so much to give to the world and am not doing so with this office job. I have to get back on track and I have to make things happen.
I’m still here! I just came down with a lovely head cold that has kept me sleeping for the past couple days instead of blogging =) I am still feeling very foggy and “floaty” but that doesn’t hold me down!
I’ve been thinking about how much I want in my life… who I want to become. A happy and healthy person accomplishing all of my goals. I’ve decided to make a goals book. I have this nice little package of chip board just waiting to be used… so I’m going to make a book with 10 pages, one for each life area that visually represents what exactly I want in that area. I am going to start with the top three areas, Career, Physical and Creative and move on in order from there. This will be a sturdy book when finished that I can flip through every single day and get inspired and motivated. I CAN do this.
I will post pages as they are finished =)
Yeah, it’s been pretty hard to get started blogging again. Life is stuck where it’s been and I’ve been feeling unsure how to move it forward. Leaves little to say on a blog about becoming the best, happiest and healthiest me by 25!
But I’ve been thinking as always… I never stop =)
While working on a project for the day job, I was reintroduced to the “Life Wheel” which is a way for people to assess the balance in their lives. I’ve taken an online version of this before, one that showed very little happiness in any area… but today I decided to try again. I googled “life wheel” and came across the Mindtools Website. I printed off the template and listed my 10 Life Areas on the lines around it then proceeded to mark my happiness level in each area. My wheel turned out to be pretty off balance!
Following the instructions, I then worked on the second wheel, marking my ideal level of attention and focus I’d love to give each area right now.
Basically I prioritized the things onto three different levels. The things that I would love to get a handle on first and foremost, with the highest level of urgency, included Physical, Career and Creative. The things that fell under the second level of urgency is pretty much everything else… Spiritual/Emotional, Relationship, Social, Financial and Family. Misc came in all by it’s lonesome on level three. I then broke them down into priority on each level:
Level 1
A) Career
B) Physical
C) Creative
Level 2
A) Social
B) Spiritual/Emotional
C) Relationship
D) Financial
E) Family
Level 3
A) Miscellaneous
My logic for these choices are as follows… In this moment, I am extremely unhappy having to go to work (in a windowless environment, think converted garage) for someone else, working hard for their cause and being “trapped” all day long. This is just my nature, freedom always has been and always will be my highest value in life. Starting my business is my dream. I am so passionate about it and I have learned the hard way over the last month exactly how important it is for me to bring my vision to life. In turn, this brings financial lower on the list of priorities on level 2, because it goes along with my working situation… that and I’m floating by okay right this moment, phew!
The second priority is Phsycial. I am very unhappy with my body right now and it causes me a lot of insecurity and discomfort. I know I’m not huge and I know that I’ve been worse, but this is also a very important goal for me considering I’m trying to run a half marathon in June! I am recycling another quote to fit my situation, you don’t run a marathon to get in shape, you get in shape to run a marathon. I know that I would also feel better, have more energy and maybe clean my skin up a little =) Physical bumps spiritual/emotional down on level two because I feel they too are related. Exercise and eating well will tremendously help with my depression and unhappiness. I would also have more confidence and comfort in my body.
Third is creative… there are many posts on the importance of creativity in my life, so I won’t waste your time with it again here. This also helps knock spiritual/emotional down a bit.
Onto level 2, social comes before my not-so-great relationship because focusing on ME first and foremost is still what I believe to be key to me getting on track. Social is the most complete part of my life right now as I have some awesome friends =)
Spiritual and Emotional got grouped into one here… again yoga and exercise are already hitting on these areas which is why they’re not higher up. But journaling and meditation would really benefit me and my soaring stress levels.
Then comes the relationship! Up and down, round and round. There has been progress and many talks which is good. But it still causes me sadness in my life and it needs work… but again, focusing on all the areas above first, means I’m focusing on me first and not my relationship or boyfriend. It’s sure to help!
Financial I touched on above… as I said, I am floating by right now so it’s not a hot pressing issue and it will be address along with Career. Family fell to the bottom because I am doing well with my immediate family, though I would like to reach out to more of it, it’s not suffering at all.
And Miscellaneous is just that… small goals, wants and things that aren’t really a priority in this moment.
So there it is… the mega update! I’m thinking that I will bring the weekly goals back as I really enjoyed them. Maybe one goal for Misc and each level 2, then two or three for the top three areas.
